“They are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one divide.” (Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:9)
I hear many comments such as “It must be hard; or, you certainly have a lot on your shoulders!” You don’t necessarily plan on having to care for someone for a long time. It just happens. In my case the person that I care for is my husband, Jack. I made a promise when we married you see. You know the one; “From this day forward for better or worse, rich or poor, in sickness and in health until death do us part!” When he first became ill we thought it would be temporary. It began with a series of heart attacks. He was 32 years old at the time. I was 24. We had only been married six months. The year was 1974. I found a heart surgeon for him. The doctor said he would be good as new after his bypass surgery. Six weeks following his surgery, he was back at work. My husband’s wife had died several years before this. He had two children. They would be living with us when we married. I insisted. We bought our house. We both had good jobs and we made it work. My children immediately called me Mom. My son Jack, was four and my daughter, Chrisie, was nine. Five years later Laura was born. We were truly a family! I jumped into parenting; they were all my kids. Our lives were busy but happy.
Life continued to happen until one day when I received a call on a cold icy November day. My husband had fallen on the ice at work. He shattered his shoulder. He would require surgery. As it happened, he needed seven surgeries. Ultimately, a decision was made two years later to fuse his shoulder. While recovering from one of his surgeries, he suffered a massive stroke. He was 40 years old. Recovery meant he would need to recover from more than just surgeries. He began physical therapy, speech therapy and occupational therapy. It was a challenging two years. We were determined. It would be ok. I had family that pitched in to help. I had friends who helped as well. But it was difficult. Other health issues began developing. Through each one, It seemed to him, he would never be the same. While walking to the mail box, he had another fall on a patch of ice. Surgery on his hip would be necessary. More heart attacks followed, Tia’s and then another stroke, leaving him disabled.
I won’t pretend. It was hard. I accepted promotions in my job. I would need to keep the family going. We had three children to raise. Through it all my husband and I never stopped talking. We found ways to communicate, even when he was recovering from speech difficulties. My mother came for a visit once to help. She said it was too hard to watch. She stayed with my sister. “I don’t know how you do it.”, she said to me. My mother had nine children and had a very hard life. I told her, “I had a great role model, and we are determined to make it through.”
Recently, I read a blog of a woman who worked with brain injury patients following accidents, strokes, and self inflicted wounds. She shared how sad and rewarding her life is with her job.The hardest part for her is seeing first-hand what happens to marriages and families after this event affects their lives. In her words, “Some step up to the plate and embrace their journey. Others walk away. Wives walk away from husbands and vice versa. That is what I find hard to forgive. They made vows. They said, “In sickness and in health, until death do us part.” Did they honestly believe they were just words?”
Monsignor Charles Pope (Archdiocese of Washington) describes the true Catholic response to this type of situation, “The vow says that I will be true to our marriage even if you are sick and not able to live in a state that I would prefer. Sickness might mean that a spouse is no longer able to provide mutual support and companionship It might mean that they are no longer able to be sexually intimate. It might mean they can no longer provide financially or help in the raising of the children. There are any number of scenarios that the vow covers. It is open ended, and intentionally so. We do not make vows because life is going to be easy. Vows are necessary to cover joyful and attractive things. Vows are necessary to cover less appealing scenarios, scenarios that are hard, and often unpleasant. And because they are such, we ‘vow’ to remain true in spite of them.”
Jack and I have been married 40 years. One of the most amazing things for me to have witnessed is his constant strength to always fight and power through. We have had times where it seems to be going well. A year and ½ ago was one of those times. Then he received a call from his doctor that he had cancer. He wasn’t sure he had any fight left. I wasn’t sure I did. But we looked for a doctor. He had surgery. He had chemotherapy. He had treatments that were extremely painful. He truly suffered. Two months ago we learned he was in remission. The cancer took its toll on his body. He is often tired; he is slow to get things done. But he perseveres. He makes me proud to be his wife.
When people say I have a lot on my shoulders, I respond, “No it is Jack who has a lot on his shoulders. I am fortunate to be able to help.”
Monsignor Pope says: “Scripture says we are in glory in the cross (cf Gal 6:14 inter al) and proclaim it’s magnificent, through our painful power. Many are able to glory in the cross when it’s an abstraction. But when the cross gets real, many Christians collapse and seek a way out. Sometimes it is a way out for them, sometimes it is for others. And the world of course sees the cross as an absurdity and will often call the Church and true Christians harsh, unloving and uncaring for our insistence that, only by the way of the Cross, will we reach our heavenly goal.”
Catherine Mendenhall-Baugh (Cathy) completed her education at the University of Nebraska majoring in Special Education and minoring in English Literature and now works in the insurance industry. A mother and a grandmother, Cathy grew up in a large Catholic family and as spent the last 30 years as a caregiver for her husband, Jack. A writer for Tuscany Press, she is also working on several longer writing projects.
