This week begins the Extraordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops, opened by Pope Francis, to discuss the challenges of marriage, of family life, of the education of children and the role of family in the life of the Church. It is crucial to understand how the Church can help support, guide and strengthen those living out their vocation to marriage. As many couples will testify, marriage is not without its particular struggles. One of the challenges of family life is effective, clear communication.
The family, the natural building block of society, is being threatened by many external forces and societal pressures that are attempting to undermine and tear it apart. Oftentimes, these pressures can cause confusion and unrest in the hearts of many striving to understand how to live out the vocation to marriage in a broken world. How can you still see the beauty and benefits of marriage while also taking into account very real cultural shortfalls?
Marriage doesn’t always make you happy; it should make you holy. Knowing one’s vocation and its implications gives a path or blueprint of how to obtain personal holiness. Every vocation is called to the building up of the person’s nature. The response to one’s calling enriches the structures of human nature by both perfecting and healing them. The resolution of these weaknesses and differences are crucial for the flourishing of married life. There is hope in that they can be overcome with virtue, self-knowledge and grace. How do you communicate through and understand those weaknesses so that you may live out a happy, healthy marriage?
As many married couples will testify, this vocational path has significant joys and blessings as well as trials and suffering. Through the normalcy of daily life, each person is called to be in complete service to the other. Marriage will bring out aspects of personality traits, character defects and weaknesses that may not have been experienced or exposed prior to marriage.
Along with a sacramental life, good communication is a foundation for a strong marriage. That doesn’t mean that you instantly receive perfect communication skills during the exchange of vows. Communication involves the ability to pay attention to what others are thinking and feeling. In other words, an important part of communication is not just talking, but listening to what others have to say. Listening, or empathy, is the ability to put oneself in the place of the other and truly understand and experience the feelings of the other person. Through empathy, there is an understanding of the good of the other and valuing their thoughts and feelings so that neither person feels attacked or grows distant.
This teaches virtue for the individual practicing the empathic skill because it causes them to express feelings that are outside of themselves, as they try to temporarily forget their own thoughts and views on the issue of conflict. The individual is allowing their spouse to reflect on their emotions and feelings without being interrupted, showing a greater respect for them as a person. The virtue of charity is present as you forget yourself for the good of the other; patience is also there as you wait for the appropriate time to express your own thoughts and feelings. It requires a building of humility to recognize your own faults and failings and how it has been affecting your spouse.
The foundation for open communication consists of honesty, trust and vulnerability. Without the confidence of openness and trust, walls can be formed that block the natural reaching for an emotional bond from the other. Even when things are going well, sometimes couples forget that communication and talking openly about the relationship is still necessary.
Communication within the family will enable an expression of their needs, wants and concerns to each other. The open and honest communication will lead to an atmosphere of love and acceptance rather than a potential atmosphere of hurt and rejection. It is through communication that family members are able to resolve the unavoidable problems that arise in all families.
Good, effective communication (clear and direct) is almost always found in strong, healthy families. On the opposite side, poor communication (unclear and indirect) is typically found in unhealthy relationships. This becomes a common complaint of families who are having difficulties and can lead to numerous family problems, including conflict, ineffective problem solving, lack of intimacy and weak emotional bonding. Researchers have discovered a strong link between communication patterns and satisfaction within family relationships. Building positive communication skills will directly impact the satisfaction within marriage.
As Pope Francis reflected during a Catechesis on the Sacrament of Marriage (April 2, 2014):
“The plan inherent in marriage is truly wonderful! It is expressed in the simplicity, and also in the fragility, of the human condition. We are well aware of the many difficulties and trials there may be in the life of a married couple… There are always arguments in marriages, and at times even plates are thrown. But we must not be said about this: this is human condition. And the secret is that love is stronger than the moments in which we argue, and I therefore always advise married couples never to let the day draw to an end without making peace. There is no need to call in the United Nations peacekeepers. A little gesture is enough: a caress, see you tomorrow, and tomorrow we start afresh. This is life, and we must face it in this way, with the courage of living it together. Married life is beautiful, and must be protected.”
Marriage is a perfecting sacrament; by dialoguing with one another, the couple learns to be other-centered, temperate in the way they say things, compassionate when they say things, empathic when they are receiving the self-gift of the other and to be patient. As the couple learns these essential communication skills, the vocation and path to sanctification will become clear.
Jessie Tappel, M.S., graduated from the Institute for the Psychological Sciences and now serves as a clinician for Catholic Charities in the Diocese of Arlington as well as the Director for Communications for IPS, a Catholic graduate school for psychology. She is passionate about educating on issues related to Catholicism and Mental Health.
