“Already as a university student in Padua, you made a rule for yourself never to avoid or curtail a conversation with anyone, no matter how unlikable and boring; to be modest and without insolence, free and without austerity, gentle without affectation, pliant and without dissent.”
In his book Illustrissimi, Pope John Paul I (Albino Luciani) writes letters of gratitude to some of the illustrious saints, great authors and characters in literature whom he addresses as beloved teachers who enlightened his mind, warmed his heart and deepened his conscience. These letters are addressed to such famous authors as Charles Dickens, Mark Twain and G. K. Chesterton; to famous characters in literature such as Penelope, Pinocchio and the members of the Pickwick Club; and to some of the great saints like St. Bernard, St. Therese of Lisieux and St. Bonaventure. All these distinguished men and women who educated and inspired the pope with both human wisdom and divine truth receive a personal letter of appreciation.
John Paul I’s letter to St. Francis Sales that is quoted above honors the Bishop of Geneva for his savoir faire, delicacy and tact, warm humanity, pleasant affability and attractive manners. Socially gracious and cheerful in company, St. Francis never scorned any one’s company or conversed only with the famous, distinguished or elegant. His example teaches that Christian morals begin with good manners, the art of pleasing others and the willingness to take an interest in other people. To be Christian and charitable is to be sociable, to enjoy the company and conversation of others, to practice hospitality, to express friendship and to extend oneself to learn of other people’s backgrounds and life stories. This gift of courtesy is not discouraged by the surliness or dullness of others. Even though some people are not enjoyable companions or interesting conversationalists, they do deserve the personal attention and thoughtfulness of civility. As G.K. Chesterton once observed, human beings are more “real” than one ever imagined once a conversation begins and people talk about their lives, families and interests. The saint who taught that one catches more flies with a drop of honey than a gallon of vinegar made goodness attractive, winning and charming by his simplicity, warmth and kindness.
This amiability in social occasions reflects not only the gentleness of courtesy and the beauty of goodness, but also cultivates the virtues of meekness, patience and humility that a holy life demands. In his spiritual classic Introduction to a Devout Life, de Sales devotes several chapters to the virtue of meekness or gentleness that combats the sin of wrath and regulates the passion of anger. Explaining that holy chrism consists of both olive oil and balm, the French saint relates these elements to the meekness and humility of Christ who said, “Learn of me, for I am meek and humble of heart.” In de Sales’ words, humility governs man’s relationship with God and meekness man’s relationship with his neighbor because, like humility that lowers itself, “balm sinks deeper than any other liquid” and, like the gentleness of meekness, olive oil “always rises to the top.” Meekness and mildness, then, “rise above all things and stand out among the virtues as the flower of charity.” The gentleness of courtesy stifles anger, heals like a balm, and cultivates good will and peace among men. The saint of gentleness, when appointed the bishop of Geneva in a region of hostile French Huguenots who threatened him with death, converted thousands of Protestants to the Catholic faith by the graciousness of his words and the civility of his manners. He writes, “If we must contradict someone or oppose another’s opinion to his, we must do so very mildly and carefully so as not to arouse his anger. Nothing is gained by harshness.”
The rule de Sales made as a university student never to avoid a conversation with anyone taught an eminent pope the importance of civilized manners as a prelude to human friendship and cordial relationships–as the first step in charity. Charity dictates not only hospitality, generosity, and almsgiving but also the art of pleasing, the obligation never to offend, the effort to enter into friendly conversation, and kind thoughtfulness on behalf of others. Charity, while it strives for the sublime ideal of the imitation of Christ, does not neglect the little things and simple amenities that make life human and personal. Charity never lacks good taste, refinement, forbearance, or amiability. St. Paul attributes to charity not only heroic deeds (“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”) but also small acts (“Love is patient and kind . . . . Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful”). Without this beauty of manners that C. S. Lewis called “the poetry of conduct,” morality and virtue lose their savor and goodness appears plain instead of winning and glorious.
Charity loves first rather than waits. Courtesy initiates friendliness and conversation rather than expecting others to make overtures. Not to speak to others, de Sales observes, is an insult: “To be too reserved and to refuse to speak to take part in conversation looks like lack of confidence in the other or some sort of disdain.” Christ too loved first and made an invitation: “Follow me.” “The beginning is more than half of the whole,” writes Aristotle, acknowledging that the first step carries a weight and possesses a momentum that releases potential and possibilities that should never be underestimated. The lesson the saint of courtesy taught a beloved pope is a truth for all Christians in their “introduction” to a devout life.
Mitchell Kalpakgian, Ph.D. earned degrees in English from Bowdoin College (B.A.), The University of Kansas (M.A.), and The University of Iowa (Ph.D.). He has completed fifty years of teaching beginning as a teaching assistant at the University of Kansas, continuing as a professor of English at Simpson College in Iowa for thirty-one years, and recently teaching part-time at various schools and college in New Hampshire (Thomas More College, The College of Saint Mary Magdalen, Mount Royal Academy, and New England Classical Academy.
He is a contributing editor of New Oxford Review, writes for Saint Austin Review and Homiletic and Pastoral Review, and reviews books for The Wanderer. He has published seven books: The Marvelous in Fielding’s Novels, The Mysteries of Life in Children’s Literature, The Lost Arts of Modern Civilization, An Armenian Family Reunion (a collection of short stories), Modern Manners: The Poetry of Conduct and The Virtue of Civility, and The Virtues We Need Again. He has designed homeschooling literature courses for Seton Home School, and he also teaches online courses for Fisher More College and Fisher More Academy.
